Sunday, June 1, 2008

so much to cry about

Sometimes when we cry it is an overflow of the joy and love in our hearts, and other times it is the sorrow or disappointment in out hearts. I had a mixture of both of these this past week.
Let me start with what was the sweetest wedding ever, Lauren and Matt (Phillip's brother) got married on Friday evening. It was BEAUTIFUL. Their purity for each other was unlike any I have seen. They both had all their college friends there, 10 bridesmaids and groomsmen, family and lots of friends. The sweetest part was when Lauren walked down the isle and Matt was crying, then EVERYONE started crying. The instrumental was David Crowder and it was perfect timing how it all built up to that moment.

Atley and Avery were 2 of 5 flower girls. The other girls were Lauren's cousin's twins and other daughter that were 4 and 2 and they were great. My girls were so cute, but still a little young for flower girl duties. They probably never smiled once in a picture and only wanted to eat their cheerios, but hey, they were cute. They didn't walk down the isle, which we hadn't planned on them doing, and we had friends take them home after the ceremony. In all the hussle of getting myself dressed (by the way my dress was perfect! One more week and it wouldn't have fit at all...) and getting the girls dressed and hair bows in tact, I never took ANY pictures!!! The photographers took a lot of them, so hopefully I'll get that link in a couple weeks to show you more from this amazing day.
All day yesterday whenever I thought about the wedding and Lauren walking down that isle, I just started crying. I later realized that my hormones are totally going crazy because of the new adventure I began last Thursday.
Last week at my drs. appt. we had the ultrasound where they really look at the baby and all his parts and take LOTS of measurements to make sure he is growing correctly. Canon Phillip is his name, and he is perfect. Everything about him looked great and he was already head down (which changes all the time) and very low. Then they measured my cervix and it was 2.8 cm. This is lower than it was at this point in my pregnancy last time. They want you over 3cm until at least 30 weeks, I'm 19. Also, it shortened 7mm in 2 weeks which is a lot. This is also called effacing, which is the first part of labor. My doctor said it was not low enough to do a cerclage (stitching up the cervix) because at 19 weeks they would only perform it in an emergency because of the risks it includes. And mine wasn't an emergency. She said the only other option was starting Progesterone Shots weekly for 18 weeks, or until I deliver. I will deliver early most likely and am on partial bedrest at this point. I go in each week for cervical length checks and we'll just take it week by week. The good news is it's only partial bedrest and I get to stay at home (and go to Dallas next week!!!) as of right now.
Having been on hospital bedrest last time, I have a tainted view of what I should be doing. I feel like any moving, or getting up or activity is wrong and I should be laying in a bed all the time. Because last time I was so restricted. The difference is this time I have twin 17 month olds running around, needing diaper changes, eating and falling down and needing help. I have so many offers from friends and family to come and help me, which I will take, but there is also a part of me that just wants to be mommy. I don't want to hand my role over to others and I don't want to miss a thing. Not a single new word they say or new thing they do. My heart has been grieving over this more than anything. Even as I lay on the couch and watch them play, I'm not really getting to get on the ground and play with them....
My mom gave me some ideas of how to lay on the ground with them, or have them up on the couch with me, and I'm trying to stay as involved as possible.
It is also just for a time, and the girls won't actually even remember this. But the mommy heart in me is getting used to this adjustment.
Having been on bedrest for 10 weeks before, I know that it ends. It is not forever, even if it feels like it at the moment. So I feel like I can see past this time and see what will be, even though I don't know what that is right now.
I thought I would just update whoever reads this, and ask for prayers over this time for our family.
There is a song by Hillsong that Ashley King sang at L & M's wedding and it is called "None but Jesus" and during this time it is perfect for me. Here are the lyrics below and you can listen to it here.

In the quiet, in the stillness

I know that you are God
In the secret of your presence
I know there I am restored
When you call I won't refuse
Each new day, again I'll choose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos, in confusion
I know you're sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do your will
When you call I won't delay
This my song through all my days

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

I am yours and you are mine...

All my delight is in you Lord
All of my hope
All of my strength
All my delight is in you Lord


the broomes said...

We will be praying for you and baby Canon, Shelly. -That God would protect him as he grows and that you would be able to rest in the midst of sweet time with the girls. Thanks for sharing with us. Keep us posted. Love- the Broomes

Summer said...

awww Shelley, I am so sorry. I'm sure that is sooo hard. Praying for you and the family!

The Buster Bunch said...

Although there are so many unknowns about what will happen, the Lord knows them all. He knows all your fears and will take care of them and take care of your 3 sweet babies. We are praying for you all the time. I love you so much! Can't wait to see you on Friday!

Dawntoya and Adam said...

So sorry Shelly. I will be praying. I believe this pregnancy will not be like the time before but I pray that you will be able to rest yet be fully present and involved with the girls.

The Ice House said...

Good song Shel!
None but Jesus has gotten me through a few rough times before!!
I'll be praying that everything goes smoothly with Canon!
: )